always say it with a smile

unhealthy.

Wed, 15 May 2013 03:52:00 -0400

i never realized.

how much.

you are like.

the cat.

you only want. (for)

my attention.

when it isn’t. (~~it’s not~~)

on you.

——————————

you laughed.

that warm april night.

i didn’t realize it at the time.

the joke was on me.

——————————-

you’re not evolved. you’re selfish. it’s unfair to let people you care about sit and wait to see where the spinner will stop tonight. you’re going to end up with the most broken, simply because the rest broke alone along the way. you’ll blame it on somebody else, but they’re all here right now, intact. you won’t know the value of that until it’s gone.

——————————-

she was tempted, when she got in the car that night, to drive as far as she could go. “see you soon,” he said as she left. how badly she wanted to prove him wrong.

——————————-

you asked me to come here.

so why are you letting me go?

bought this shirt today. YES.

Wed, 08 May 2013 15:39:21 -0400

bought this shirt today. YES.

"Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing."

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 01:49:59 -0400

“Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing.”

- A Cinderella Story

This quote has been stuck in my head all day. I couldn’t remember where it was from, so I finally looked it up…not sure if I should be embarrassed that quotes from a Hilary Duff movie 9 years ago get stuck in my head, or concerned/proud that my memory works so…uniquely…

"Here is the truth: It is hard to be in love with someone who is in love with someone else. I don’t..."

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 04:01:16 -0400

“Here is the truth: It is hard to be in love with someone who is in love with someone else.
I don’t know how to turn that into poetry.””

- Clementine von Radics (via perpetuallypro-solitude)
Relevant.

sometimes.

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 03:40:27 -0400

Sometimes, I think I made a mistake. Sometimes I think we would have been better off. Sometimes I think this is all your fault. That everything could have been different, if only, if only. Sometimes I walk into places where we cared about each other, really cared, and have to catch my breath- it’s like walking onto a movie set, a box for a television show- something so familiar and yet so far away, simply because time and circumstance has rendered it to be foreign; heartbreakingly different.

You changed your mind on a Sunday evening like a whim, like a song on the radio. And with it, all the possibilities, all the promise, all of what I looked forward to, came crashing down. Everything changed.

I lost one of my closest friends. I lost someone I talk to everyday. I felt betrayed. All of the promises made, broken in the most spectacular fashion. Like it was a challenge. Like I was a regret.

I fell for the person I thought you were. And I miss him everyday.

accents.

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 10:34:57 -0500

A night in Kansas-
Mom: Don’t come back with a Texas drawl, okay?
Me: I was in Connecticut for four years and never developed an East Coast accent.
Brother: Yeah, you still just have that Chicago dialect for some inexplicable reason.

Word.

How to Talk to a Widower

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 21:26:58 -0500

“New rule: just say yes.”
“I thought rules didn’t mean anything to you.”
“They do when they’re my rules. Now stop equivocating and just agree with me.”
“Should I really trust my life to someone who is in the process of fucking up her own so spectacularly?”
“Make no mistake!” she says hotly. “I am unfucking my life. And while, to the untrained eye, the processes might look somewhat similar, I assure you the endgame is entirely different.”
-Jonathan Tropper

"There are faint creases at the corners of her eyes that I never noticed before. You see the people..."

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 17:58:10 -0500

“There are faint creases at the corners of her eyes that I never noticed before. You see the people you love the way they are in your head, but every once in a while you accidentally catch a glimpse of them in real time, and in those split seconds, as your brain scrambles to adjust to the new reality, small things inside you swerve off the road and drive over cliffs, spinning and screaming all the way down.”

- How to Talk to a Widower, Jonathan Tropper

"And sometimes that’s all it takes, no epiphanies, no revelations, just funnel cake on a Ferris..."

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 17:35:02 -0500

“And sometimes that’s all it takes, no epiphanies, no revelations, just funnel cake on a Ferris wheel and one crazy, miraculous day that should never have happened, but somehow did.”

- How To Talk To A Widower, Jonathan Tropper

"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and..."

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 00:09:00 -0500

“Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and either you over dramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to.”

- Sylvia Plath

"[he] was the first man she ever loved, and even now, after all the anger and hatred, she still feels..."

Mon, 21 Jan 2013 22:33:02 -0500

“[he] was the first man she ever loved, and even now, after all the anger and hatred, she still feels things shifting inside when he walks into a room. And that’s not healthy, or fair, or right, but there it is.”

- One Last Thing Before I Go, Jonathan Tropper

"dedication" (movie) and "i couldn't love you more".

Sat, 29 Dec 2012 04:42:46 -0500

Henry: I can’t.
Lucy: Yes, you can.
Henry: We have to work.
Lucy: Right now?
Henry: Lucy, come on please. It’s going to get very complicated. Ahh, it’s going to get so complicated.
Lucy: Do you just genuinely dislike me, Henry?
Henry: A week ago, I didn’t give a rat’s ass about nebulas and now I can’t get enough of them. Okay?
Lucy: Nebulae.
Henry: What?
Lucy: It’s nebulae… not nebulas.
Henry: Okay, fine. I don’t care about nebulas. You know accuse me of whatever you want, I’m probably guilty of it… contributing to global warming, and killing a squirrel once, and using the word retarded, and occasionally misinterpreted bigotry, but don’t, don’t… don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t accuse me of not liking you. Okay?
Lucy: I understand.

——————————-

Henry: I’ve spent my whole life wanting something and doing my very best not to find it. Never even going near the places it might be, and suddenly I got the god damn thing practically chained around my neck.
Lucy: What are you talking about?
Henry: You, you’re the god damned thing.

———————————

Henry: I’ve never been good at finding things, I’m really good at losing things.

———————————

“Are you fucking insane?” Sylvia would shout. “You have to get over him, Eliot.”

Yes, I was insane. It’s insane, isn’t it, to love a ghost? To obsess about a man who treated you badly, then left you behind without so much as a backward glance? It’s insane to wait for him to reappear, even though you saw him vanish with your own two eyes. It’s insane to tell yourself that everything would be different if only, if only. The whole thing was insane, even the idea that he- that they- truly loved me in the first place.

And yet.

——————————-

“Why did you leave me?” There, I finally said it: You left me. You loved me and you left me but never said why.

——————————-

I closed my eyes, feeling as thought I’d stepped off a ledge. This boy was talking to me? This boy was talking to me? This boy had a thatch of wild blond hair; his green eyes were iridescent and shrewd; his smile was brilliant. I was falling faster and faster. I knew, instinctively, I would not survive.

——————————-

“Eliot!” Sylvia is yelling at me. “Are you there? You have a fine little hut. Don’t be so fucking sensitive.”

how lucky you are.

Wed, 26 Dec 2012 05:03:56 -0500

“But that’s all part of the fun. You grow together and apart; you make mistakes and you solve them. And with each year that passes, you learn more- about yourself and about each other- and hopefully love each other more, too, despite all of the things you’ve done wrong. That’s unconditional love. Real, true, can’t-be-replaced love.”

“He’ll be a great dad someday, you know… When you both finally realize that you were made to be a family.”

“…she still can’t help but feel like she’s the only person on earth who’s flawed, and her shame about this runs deep enough to almost cost her every good thing she’s created for herself.

This feels to me like an instinctively female problem, and even after spending hundreds of hours thinking about this… I still can’t put my finger on why. …Maybe it’s just human nature, but we all know what the deeper question is when we play this game with ourselves: What’s wrong with me?

The answer is “nothing”, of course. …I’ve come to believe that it’s our imperfections that make us and, ultimately, connect us. It doesn’t do any of us any good to pretend we have it all figured out. I frankly like a person a whole lot more when she welcomes me into her messy house, wipes sandwich crumbs off the table before she sets a drink in front of me, and tells me a story about whatever real-deal, nitty-gritty monster she’s wrestling with that day. Don’t you?”

-Kristyn Kusek Lewis

"Schulz wasn’t an artist because he suffered. He suffered because he was an artist. To keep..."

Thu, 13 Dec 2012 02:53:35 -0500

“Schulz wasn’t an artist because he suffered. He suffered because he was an artist. To keep choosing art over the comforts of a normal life- to grind out a strip every day for fifty years; to pay the very steep psychic price for this- is the opposite of damaged. It’s the sort of choice that only a tower of strength and sanity can make. The reason that Schulz’s early sorrows look like “sources” of his later brilliance is that he had the talent and resilience to find humor in them. Almost every young person experiences sorrows. What’s distinctive about Schulz’s childhood is not his suffering but the fact that he loved comics from an early age, was gifted at drawing, and had the undivided attention of two loving parents.”

- Jonathan Franzen

wow.

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 03:59:17 -0500

if you haven’t seen “away we go”, you should do that. like, immediately.

toxins.

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 14:23:39 -0500

They sat back and looked at each other warily and with pleasure. The circumstances under which they parted had been so strained and unfriendly and terminal that to find themselves sitting, just like that, at a bright cafe over two cups of black coffee seemed as thrilling as if they were violating some powerful taboo. They had been warned, begged, and ever ordered to stay away from each other by everyone, from their shrinks to their parents to the bench of Orange County itself; yet here they were, in plain view, smiling and smiling. A lot of things had been lacking in their relationship, but unfortunately mutual physical attraction was not one of them, and Lazar could feel that hoary old devouring serpent uncoiling deep in its Darwinian cave.

-an exert from “Ocean Avenue” by Michael Chabon

"Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you..."

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 20:20:44 -0500

“Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a fucking television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never give enough of a fuck to do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.”

- Harvey Milk

rules of a creator's life.

Fri, 30 Nov 2012 00:20:29 -0500

1. do more than what you’re told to do.

2. try new things.

3. teach others about what you know.

4. make work into play. (also, make play into work.)

5. take breaks.

6. work when others are resting.

7. always be creating.

8. make your own inspiration.

9. love what you do, or leave.

exerts of things i've read recently.

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 17:41:00 -0500

“Happy Birthday, Benny.” The kiss and the nickname brought me back six years, to when Lindsey and I were still together. It’s an axiom of group dynamics that no circle of friends can remain a true cohesive unit unless a handful of them are in love with each other in some twisted fashion or other. Twisted because if it were simple they’d pair off and that would be the end of the group. … And then there was my love for Lindsey, which started as a simple lust when we first got friendly in college, but blossomed into a full-blown, hurts-so-good love that remained unspoken until after we had graduated.

“Most women would like to see their ex-boyfriends dead and buried before they see them with someone else.” ”Most women should have thought of that before dumping said ex-boyfriends on their asses.” “You’re going to get into all of that now, are you?” “Sorry. I just felt like blaming someone for my current woes.” “Forgotten.” “I’ve missed talking to you.” “I’ve missed you, too.”

We observed a brief moment of silence in honor of our ill-fated past, our breathing resonating through the mild static of the phone lines. Staying friends after a breakup is fine in theory, but in practice it’s a constant funeral, a sublimely tragic combination of wistful remembrance and perpetual regret.

…but always with the unspoken knowledge that in some way we belonged to each other. Unspoken, because there was no way it could be articulated and sound rational. It was like we were saving ourselves for ourselves, which, as I said, doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

I rolled over, remembering how easy it had been for the five of us to hang out in the old days. Jack, Chuck, Lindsey, Alison, and me. No matter where we were, there was a level of comfort between us that let us all know it was the right place to be. Now we had to work to make ourselves fit into each other’s lives, to maintain our relevance to each other. In college our collective friendship had been at the center of our lives, and now the centrifugal force of time had pushed it out to the perimeter, where it was in danger of spinning off the circle altogether. Thirty…shit.

…but I’m pretty certain that both of them understood the true nature of their relationship. They were simply powerless to do anything about it. Jack and Alison loved each other, but needed different things from that love, which put them at tragic cross-purposes. Relationships don’t come with a warranty and being in love is no guarantee of a happy ending. Just look at me and Lindsey. If anything, love is just a starting point. Then life intrudes, along with the personal baggage you’ve spent years packing, and things get royally and irrevocably fucked up. You can get bitter or you can keep trying. Most people do some of each.

“What’s bugging you”?” I asked, the car’s tires stirring up a patter of loose gravel as I swung onto Route 57. “Nothing. I don’t know,” she said, running her middle and ring finger through her hair in a gesture that was so familiar it brought a lump to my throat. “I don’t have a career, I don’t have a family, and I don’t know what to do next. I’ve been so determined to escape anything permanent, and now I just feel like I’m nowhere. And what if that’s the permanent thing by default?” “That would suck.” “Thanks for your support,” she said wryly.

- Plan B, Jonathan Tropper

The person who knew you best when you were seventeen will always have a claim on you, no matter how much you change. There’s something seductive and magnetic about it, the feeling of being understood like that. I suppose it goes both ways.

- Friends Like Us, Lauren Fox

Jay Leno told me, “It’s easy. Just marry your conscience. Marry the one who makes you want to be a better person.”

- Taylor Swift

always say it with a smile

unhealthy.

bought this shirt today. YES.

"Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing."

"Here is the truth: It is hard to be in love with someone who is in love with someone else. I don’t..."

sometimes.

accents.

How to Talk to a Widower

"There are faint creases at the corners of her eyes that I never noticed before. You see the people..."

"And sometimes that’s all it takes, no epiphanies, no revelations, just funnel cake on a Ferris..."

"Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go to write it down, and..."

Read more here- http://clementinevonradics.tumblr.com/

"[he] was the first man she ever loved, and even now, after all the anger and hatred, she still feels..."

"dedication" (movie) and "i couldn't love you more".

how lucky you are.

"Schulz wasn’t an artist because he suffered. He suffered because he was an artist. To keep..."

wow.

toxins.

"Go after her. Fuck, don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you..."

rules of a creator's life.

exerts of things i've read recently.